In July I received a text message from my landlord's bitchy wife telling me that she "need[ed] the apartment by September 1." I laughed, and then sort of couldn't believe it, and then was relieved. I have lived in the same apartment for 5 years and have complained about it for the last 2.5 years. When I found the apartment I NEEDED it as soon as possible. It was small, two rooms - one was a bedroom and one was a living room/kitchen combo. I believe that it was shown to me as a junior one bedroom. I took it. I loved it, I disliked it, I started to hate it. It started to shrink on me. And my neighbors seemed to get louder and louder. The neighbors in the building next door were the loudest sons o' bitches I'd encountered. One of them, Jimmy the Plumber, has a voice that makes me want to kill. I see red every time I hear it. So, I was ready to go.
Around this same time I made an awful discovery. I got home late one night after a great show at Shakespeare in the Park. I sat down on my couch and watched a couple of episodes of The X-Files. It was around 1am when I decided to change the linens. I pulled a pillow case off a spare pillow and found a little bug and some black smudges. Of course I thought it was gross. But bugs...I grew up near a river. We have bugs. When it rains, bugs come in. When it's hot, bugs come in. When it's cold, bugs come in. It's normal. Then I pulled the pillow case off another pillow, and there were a couple more bugs, more black splotchy stuff, and my pulse quickened. Ok, gross, I thought. And then I decide to look closer. I lifted my mattress off my box spring and there they were...a couple bugs, one running up the wall, some more black smudges.
I went to my computer, my new, shiny, MacBook Air (see A Tale of Two Computers), and optimistically Googled "spider mites." No luck. The top hits all skipped over sider mites and went straight for the bad boys of the bug world: BED BUGS. Needless to say, I was horrified. I pulled the infested pillows out of my laundry bag, put them in a plastic bag, and threw them out. I then proceeded to Google the blood sucking critters for the next two hours. At 3am I came to a couple conclusions. First, I had to sleep in my own bed. Even though it was possibly/probably crawling with pests. I had no choice. Sleeping elsewhere would only contribute to the problem as the nasty critters would come FIND ME so they could feed. Second, I realized that this was no small problem, and not even close to be a laughing matter. And third, I realized that you can Google something to death, but it doesn't actually kill that thing.
I had to resign myself to being a nightly human sacrifice. I called an exterminator for an inspection. I got very little sleep. The exterminator told me the infestation was bad. Pretty bad. But he has seen worse (I may have made him say that to me to make me feel better). I had to take two days off from work in order to wash/dry all my clothes in hot water and hot dryers. I had to double bag them all. If there were items I wanted to throw away I had to be sure to bag them before removing them from my bedroom so as to decrease the risk of spreading them throughout my tiny apartment. I am lucky enough to have friends who are very supportive. Some have even gone through the bed bug ordeal. They bought me beers, they bought me food, they gave me hope. I also had to put up with people telling me what I should do even though they had never had personal experience with bed bugs. To these people I say: Hey guys! I know how to use the internet, too!
As all of this was going on I also had to get an Orthograph and MRI on my right shoulder. Yay! Funsies! A couple of doctors who looked like characters from Space Balls came in to show me what's up. They were all game faces, no jokes. The idea is that they would use low-level radiation (an X-ray) to "see" the ligaments and bones in my shoulder. With the help of the X-ray and bony landmarks, one of them would then inject some contrasting dye into the cartilage of my rotator cuff, so as to get a better picture of what was going on. The procedure, I was assured, would take one minute, two if it was really tough. They'd numb up first, and if they got it right the first time, there'd be very little needle adjustments needed. Needless to say, after about three minutes, we were still going at it. My doctor had met with "some resistance, " he said. His theory is that the constant inflammation in my shoulder was making it tough. My theory is that it was just me. He had to move the needle around A LOT. And while it wasn't exactly painful, it didn't feel good either. As a matter of fact, it felt really gross. But all of this was nothing compared to the nightmare that is an MRI. I do not like being stuck in a loud, tight, metal tube in an uncomfortable position. Yuck.
So...I made it through the Orthograph and MRI, and eventually I made it through all the prep work and the treatment for bed bugs. I found an apartment (the first and only apartment I looked at. Finding an apartment in August, in Astoria, for a reasonable price is not easy guys!). And, last but not least, I moved!!! I now live in a railroad-style apartment at least twice the size of the abhorred junior one bed. I received the results of my MRI, and while I have a tear in an odd place, according to my doctor (a posterior labral tear), and while to attempt to fix it will require surgery, in Doc's opinion, he said that the activities I'm involved in (running, yoga, climbing, biking) aren't causing further damage, and that I need not rush into any decisions. I have also not seen a bed bug in several weeks (knock wood), and not once in the new apartment (knock wood twice).
The times, they are a-changing. Fall is in the air, we have a presidential election almost upon us, and the clock just keeps on ticking. But I'll tell you what -- August was the LOWEST point in my short, charmed life, and that makes me pretty grateful for what I have because you know what: bed bugs, being kicked out of my apartment, and a nagging posterior labral tear are nothing compared to the hardships so many people in this world suffer. I am thankful everyday that the worst that's ever happened to me left me better off than when I started.
I am thankful for each tick I get on that clock.
P.S. Please, please, please, especially if you live in a densely populated city, learn about bed bugs. The more you know, and all that...
