I recently watched the entire series of My So-called Life. I think it is 19 episodes. My best friend and I were discussing it and she said, "Every little thing was so tragic on that show." To which I replied, "Every little thing is tragic in life, I think."
And I do think that. I completely identify with the characters on this TV show about high-schoolers. I don't feel any different. I still feel incredibly awkward, confused, frustrated, embarrassed, over-confident...any and all the things I felt in high school. And honestly, every last little thing has a great effect on me. This all makes me wonder, am I supposed to feel different? As we grow and become these things called "adults" we are supposed to act differently, accomplish certain things, and, it seems, think and feel differently. We are supposed to think and feel like "adults". How in the world am I supposed to know what that feels like? Adults, apparently, do not react dramatically to every little thing. We ignore little things. We start thinking and caring only about our careers, mortgages, cars, insurance, water heaters, lawns, plumbing, mates, children, electric bills, gas bills, annual performance reviews, income taxes, retirement, and all manner of things that mark us as grown-ups and not children. When I look at various adults I know, these are the things they have in common. And they do not spend their time thinking frivolous thoughts. They must get home to their families and children and make dinner and wash the car and put the laundry away. They must rush home on the early train because it is date night, but they only have the babysitter until 9pm. And they become unconcerned with minor things, that I think formerly, were major things.
What all of this is really about is me figuring out whether or not I have to figure life out. Must I have a long term goal and a career and a Roth IRA account (or whatever the hell they are called)? Is my success diminished by the fact that I was married at 23 and divorced by 27? Am I less successful because I don't know what I want to be or do with my life? Because I don't have children? Because I don't want to do mundane things, like laundry, with someone else? Because I don't want a mortgage? Because I secretly still believe that I will be well-known, if not out right famous, and that what I do will effect people in a positive way? Does this all make me less successful? Immature?
And really, do I have to figure life out to be happy? Honestly, I don't even know how happy or unhappy I am, or whether I'd recognize happiness if it hit me in the face. I spend most of my time trying to figure out where I fit on the miserable to exceedingly happy scale. I am bothered by people who believe they are happy. I want to ask them what the hell they are so happy about. I want to tell them that their lives are average and boring. I want to know how that could make them happy. At the same time, I want to learn to listen and not judge. Perhaps its my judgmental reactions that contribute to my perceived unhappiness.
I wake up every single day, get out of bed, go through the motions of getting ready for the day. I take the same train to work, sit at my desk, follow an established pattern. I struggle with pre-existing social circles, I alternatively hate and love my city. I am here on this planet and I find my self wondering, what the hell for?
